


Can't You Hear My Heartbeat?

by Triple_deity



Category: The Outsiders - S. E. Hinton
Genre: Bi-Curiosity, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Books, Chronic Pain, Gay, Gay Sex, M/M, Pride, pride month
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:14:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24902908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Triple_deity/pseuds/Triple_deity
Summary: It's been a year since the murder, Johnny and Dallas survived and are living as normal as they can. The trial was won and everything is fine until Ponyboy grabs the wrong book at the corner store. He reads Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin and suddenly grows curious about homosexuality and what it means to be gay. He finds eventually that he likes guys and is attracted to his best friend Johnny.Happy Pride Month!
Relationships: Johnny Cade/Ponyboy Curtis
Comments: 4
Kudos: 36





	Can't You Hear My Heartbeat?

“Every time I see you looking my way, Baby, baby, can’t you hear my heartbeat? In the car or walking down the highway. Baby, baby, can’t you hear my heartbeat?” Plays in Ponyboy’s mind as he begins walking down the road to the lot. 

It’s a bright and sunny Wednesday in July. Ponyboy had nowhere to be and wanted to spend today, like every other day, with his best friend Johnny. Today they would be going to the corner store where Pony could find some ten-cent books and Johnny could swipe some cigs. If they were careful they might could slide some candy by the old store clerk. 

Ponyboy hums the catchy song as he strides down the sidewalk, looking about the scenery that surrounds him. Large Kentucky coffee and cedar trees are scattered about the area, growing in yards and along the side of the road. The road is wide and cluttered with parallel parked cars, stretching for miles into town. The sky remains a daring periwinkle with wisps of white clouds stretched across it here and there. The sun, while golden and beautiful, remains heavy and close in the sky, making Ponyboy sigh and wipe his brow free of sweat. It sure is a pretty day, perfect to spend with a best friend. Soon Ponyboy is at the lot with Johnny in his sights.

Since the incident last year, Johnny isn’t afraid of socs, they’re afraid of him. He also has a lot of chronic pain still from the burning in the church, although that’s only when he gets very cold. However, due to the scar tissue, JOhnny must remain covered up during the day, not wanting to worsen the scars from sun exposure. Therefore, during the peak of summer and winter, Johnny seems to become completely miserable. Unfortunately, it remains July and that leads to a very inconsolable Johnny Cade. 

When Ponyboy walks up on the scene, he can see that Johnny is already rather pissy, sweating terribly and showing stains on his shirt. He wipes his hand through his greased hair, collecting sweat and grossness to it. He rolls his eyes over to the auburn haired fifteen year old. Suddenly Ponyboy cannot breathe.

“H-Hey, Johnny.” He smiles, almost swallowing his own tongue. He loves the way Johnny looks. He loves the scar on his cheek, the black hair, the tanned skin, the sweet deepness of his personality, and even the way Johnny talks. Sometimes Johnny would slip up in front of Pony and say a curse word and that gave Pony the biggest flutters in his veins. It made him almost tingle to hear him say the word f-

“Hey, Ponyboy.” Johnny stands, rubbing his scar covered back. “Whatcha up to, man?” 

“Oh, uh, I just wanted to go to the corner store with you. You said you needed some cigs yesterday didn’t ya? So we could go get some, and I got a few cents for a new book.” He smiles. Johnny meets his gaze and grins, making Pony feel weak in the knees. Johnny had become a guy that was so tough looking and rugged, he was the new Dallas Winston. People knew he would take a blade to em so they never came near him, only spoke about him in whispers. And somehow this great legend of a killer was his best friend. This murderer, used-to-be-victim of violence, was his very best friend. It amazes Ponyboy still how it all happened. How did they ever find themselves running from the police, staying in a church, saving kids from it burning down, and winning the case? Ponyboy remembers being so worried about Johnny, concerned he wouldn’t make it out of the healing stage and would die from the wounds on his back. Yet Johnny somehow survived and it was all over, but Pony can never forget. None of the gang could ever forget what all happened.

“Yeah. That sounds good, Pone.” Johnny says while stretching and grabs his denim jacket. If he left it lying in the lot he could risk losing it, so he had to take it with him wherever he went. He pulls it on with a few groans, ones which make Pony put his head down. Johnny looks back to Pony and gives a grin. 

“I’m fine. Promise.” He says, lying, cutting through the pain in his back. Ponyboy however nods and steps closer to walk with him. Johnny reaches out and takes Ponyboy’s hand, pulling him into a hug, which was very normal for the two. For some reason, today it took Pony off guard. 

“Oh! Oh.” Ponyboy laughs, hugging back loosely to avoid hurting his friend more. “You’re so hot.” Pony observes, feeling the heat off his body. 

“Oh, am I now?” Johnny cracks a wide grin. 

“I-I mean warm, Johnny.” Ponyboy rolls his eyes, laughing now too. 

“Yeah, I know. I probably stink too. I need a cold shower, I’m pretty gross-”

“You’re not gross.”

“I’m not?”

“No. Not at all. You’re lovely, dude.” 

The two begin to laugh and walk and talk. 

“So whatcha do today?” Johnny asks.

“So far?” Ponyboy asks back, looking at Johnny for a moment. “I got up, ate some food, and came to see you.” He smiles. 

“Oh, so nothing really?”

“Yeah, nothing really.”

They reach the corner store soon enough, about thirty minutes later. 

They walk in, ringing the bell above the door. The store is small and cluttered with various things, from feminine products to medicine to shaving supplies to kids toys. It was just a general store. Johnny mumbles something about being right back and heads to the back of the store. Ponyboy nods and begins looking through the books on the shelves on the wall near the right of the store. He looks through all the paper backs and hard covers and reads a million titles before he finds it, the one that sticks out. Ponyboy had a weird way about picking out books, he just knew it was the right book when he saw the title. It seems  _ Giovanni’s Room _ would be it today. He turns and looks about the store for another five minutes before he sees Johnny come around the corner saying he’s ready to go. 

Both boys walk to the front of the store to the cash register and wait as Ponyboy lays his book up on the counter. 

“Now is that everything, boys?” The clerk asks, knowing who they are. They both nod and the clerk takes their word for it. “Alright. That’ll be fifteen cents.” Pony pulls out his dime and five pennies and lays it across the counter for the old man. They leave with the book, and apparently more as Johnny reveals on their way back home that he has a pack of Kools and some necco wafers in his pockets. The two nibble on the candy as they walk back, looking about the sky and sweating. 

“So what’s your book about?” Johnny asks.

“I have no idea. I guess I’ll find out.” Pony shrugs. 

“Well, yeah, but isn’t there a little side piece where you can read what it’s about?” Johnny asks, curious with a mouthful of necco wafer.

“Not on this book. I already looked. It’s all title.” Ponyboy explains and looks the book over again. He opens the beginning and searches through it. “Hopefully it’s an adventure book, ya know, Giovanni’s Room, where the gold and girls are hidden.” He laughs, looking to Johnny. Johnny smiles as he grabs a cig from the Kool’s pack and lights it up. 

“Oh.” Ponyboy says, itching for some nicotine now. “Um.. could I? M-May I?” Johnny sends a look to Ponyboy and blows some smoke in his face. 

“No.” He stands still now, seeing Ponyboy shy backwards. “And you wanna know why?”

“Because they’re yours?”

“No, because you keep stuttering and looking at me like I’m scary. We’ve been over this, Ponyboy. You said you wouldn’t see me any differently.” Johnny reaches out to give Pony another piece of candy. “You know I’m not what others see me as. Hell, you know me best. You know how soft I truly am. Why are you stuttering and looking at me sideways?” 

Ponyboy takes the candy and puts his head down in shame. How could Johnny, the guy he read poetry to, ever be cold? This wasn’t Dallas Winston, hard ass, no fuck giver. This was Johnny Cade, baby boy with the puppy dog eyes. Sometimes Ponyboy would slip up and act funny around his best friend, but he couldn’t help it. Sometimes Johnny was intimidating. That being said, Johnny now reaches up and hands Ponyboy the cigarette. 

“C’mon, kid. Stop acting so shy around me. Please?” 

Ponyboy takes the cigarette between his two fingers and nods, taking a slow nice drag off it. He hands it back and continues down the sidewalk, sharing candy and now a cigarette with his best friend.

Once they get back home, both boys find their way inside the house and to the couch. They decide to park it in front of the television and finish the candy. Johnny sits back, legs spread a bit with his arms along the back of the couch while Ponyboy sits beside him with his knees bent and feet up on the couch, book on his lap while he reads. Soon Ponyboy starts rocking, thinking hard. He reads and concentrates through the noise of the tv, ignoring the Andy Griffith Show, starting to fixate on what’s happening in the book. After about an hour Johnny rolls his head over and asks a question but Ponyboy doesn’t hear it at first. After the second try, Pone hears him.

“I asked what’s going on? In your story?” Johnny asks, looking at the pages. 

“I think..well..” Ponyboy tilts his head and looks at the pages again after darting his eyes to the walls of the house. “Giovanni isn’t a girls name is it?” 

“No. Maybe. I dunno, why?”

“Dude, I think.” Ponyboy swallows hard and closes the book. 

“What’s wrong?” Johnny asks, sitting up straighter with all his attention on his friend. 

“Johnny, you would never judge me right?” Ponyboy asks, looking a bit sickly. “I just picked this book by random.” 

“Of course. What’s wrong with the book?” 

“Johnny, I think this guy is a ..is..homo. I think he’s a homosexual. He’s talking about this bartender Giovanni, and the protagonist is definitely not a woman-”

“What? Seriously?” Johnny looks at the book like it’s some kind of cursed object now, backing up a bit. 

“I think I picked the wrong book.. I don’t know what to do with it.”

“Give it here. We’ll throw it away.”

“Throw it away? I paid good money for this book, and you don’t throw books away!”

“If you get caught with that book,-”

“I know but-”

“Ponyboy.” Johnny ends, taking the book from him gently. 

“I don’t want to throw it away. I haven’t even finished it.”

“What’s there to finish? You can’t be seen with this.”

“Johnny… what do you think of it?” 

Wide emerald green eyes are on Johnny and he couldn’t feel more put on the spot. 

“Look, between you and me, I don’t care what someone does behind closed doors, but the world cares and the world can’t see you with this literature. You’ll get your ass kicked or worse, do you hear me?”

“I’ll put it away! And no one will know what the book is about unless they read it, which they won’t.”

“Okay, ..okay.” Johnny nods, giving him his book. “But why do you want to keep it so badly?” 

“Because books matter and I shouldn’t treat them like garbage just because the writing is taboo. And it’s really not bad writing. It’s kind of dreamy, he’s in Paris and-” Pony looks up to Johnny who looks like he’s bracing himself to be exposed to radiation. Does he not want to hear about this? 

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay. I just, I’m worried. I don’t want anyone reading that book and I’m afraid of what’s in it. Darry would pop his lid for sure if he caught you reading a fag book.”

“Johnny, you know that’s not really a nice word-”

“What? Fag? I can say fag can’t I?”

“I mean, I think it’s like saying the N word.” Said Ponyboy, clearly becoming prominently white while only trying to be as tolerable and considerate as he can be.

“Nah, it’s not that bad. You can’t really compare the two like that.”

“Maybe not but it’s, what’s the word… derogatory. It’s derogatory.”

“Isn’t that the place you go before Hell?”

“No. That’s purgatory.” Ponyboy smiles, finding him to be so funny. He grows serious again. “So, do you like homosexual people?”

“Well,” Johnny snickers and relaxes into the couch, grinning something awful. “You gotta quit using textbook lingo and get with the program. Gay, they’re gay. Fags. Queers. Say anything but homosexual, okay?” Johnny nods once, leaving wide eyed Ponyboy nodding back. 

“But, I dunno, I don’t know any gay people. I know normal people. But, I mean… I dunno. I don’t really like girls too much, they’re full of drama. But I don’t see myself ever hugging up on a man either.”

Ponyboy’s face twists into confusion. 

“But you grabbed me by the wrist and hugged me today, Johnny.”

“Well, yeah, but that’s you. You’re not gay.”

“Well, yeah, but well… If you met a gay person do you think you would like them?”

“Maybe. But I wouldn’t be caught dead with em, and neither should you so don’t go looking.”

“What if ..we already know some gay people.” Ponyboy inches closer on the sofa, wondering now who in his life could be, statistically speaking, gay. 

“Like who?”

“Like anybody. What if, I dunno, Dallas Winston himself-”

“If he ever,” Johnny grins and shakes his head, “Hears you calling him queer he will tear you to shreds, Ponyboy Curtis.” 

“Well what about Tim?”

“What about Darry?” 

“Hey, that’s not funny.” Ponyboy sinks back, looking discouraged now. “Don’t bring my brothers into this.”

“What? We’re just joking, right? What about Soda-”

“Hey.” Ponyboy doesn’t appear to be having so much fun anymore. 

“Soda could swing for the other team, maybe being a ladies man is a facade.” Johnny shrugs and points at him. “Would make sense.”

“No it wouldn’t.” Ponyboy pouts, looking away now. He can’t believe anyone would ever suggest such a thing as that. Now it’s got his head rushing around, wondering things he never would. When he starts to get mental images, he shakes his head and moves his hands a bit to say this conversation is over. 

“Let’s change the subject.”

“You don’t wanna finish your book? You only got like a third of it left.” Johnny suggests. Ponyboy thinks about it and decides to go for it anyways and leans on him as he does so. Johnny merely accepts it and continues to watch wholesome, kind of racist and highly sexist television shows.

After another hour goes by, Ponyboy finishes the book and puts it away in his room, hidden under the bed where no one will look and find it. He was going to put it in the closet but sometimes Sodapop and him had to sit in there during tornado warnings. Plus, Ponyboy felt it would be way too ironic for a book about homosexuality to hide in a closet. 

Later that night Johnny left to the lot again and said goodbye to his best friend, then Sodapop and Darry came home from work, both worn out. Darry however, pulled through and cooked dinner for them all. They had mashed potatoes, peas and carrots and cooked chicken. All three brothers sit around a wooden table in a tiny white kitchen, cramped up and quiet. No one is talking. The only noises are the clinking of silverware on ceramic plates. Ponyboy could barely eat. All he wanted to do was ask questions. Finally one spits out.

“Do we hate gay people?”

Both brothers promptly choke on their spoonfuls of potatoes. 

“Do we what?!” Sodapop asks from across the table. 

“What are you talking about Ponyboy?” Darry asks more sternly, yet, only because he’s wildly concerned. 

“I just.. I was wondering, are we supposed to hate gay people?” Ponyboy’s big eyes bounce back and forth between his brothers. Soda and Darry give each other a look. 

“Ponyboy, you’re not supposed to hate anyone. Now, is there someone at school or.. In town that you’ve seen like this?” Darry starts.

“Yeah, Pone, you don’t hate em, but you need to stay away from them.” Soda chimes in.

“Who do you know that’s queer, Ponyboy?” Darry asks.

“Do they let people like that in the schools?” Soda asks, turning to Darry, now looking worried. “They wouldn’t do that would they?”

“N-No!” Ponyboy exclaims, so confused by both of them. 

“I just, I was curious about it and I was unsure of how I should feel about people like that. Ya know? Like… why are they like that? What do they do?”

“What do they do?” Sodapop asks, unsure of what he means. 

“I mean, ..ga..gay sex, how do they-”

“O-Oh! No!” Darry waves his hands and shakes his head. “You shouldn’t concern yourself with that, Ponyboy.” Both brothers seem to push their plates away as they picture such things in their minds. 

“But, do you know? Are you gay?” Ponyboy asks, eager to understand it all.

“No. I’m not gay, Ponyboy.” Darry says very seriously. Pony’s eyes dart to Sodapop, who immediately raises his hands. 

“I don’t know why you’re looking over here.” Soda shakes his head. “I only like pus-”

“Hey!” Darry laughs, eyes widening as all of the brothers seem to share a laugh very briefly. 

“Ponyboy, don’t worry about it, okay?” Darry insists. Ponyboy just nods his head and asks to be excused, going to his room. 

“What was all that about?” Sodapop asks, amazed by such things coming from their kid brother. He’s leaning in to Darry, eyes wide and face blushing a bit. 

“I dunno, Soda. I don’t know what they’re teaching these days in that school. Maybe he met someone-”

“Well, he doesn’t need to be around him!” Soda whispers.

“I know.” Darry nods, crossing his arms. They sit in silence for a second. 

“I guess I need to bring a girl around if Ponyboy really thinks I’m a faggot-”

“Pfffft-” Soda bursts into laughter at his older brother. They talk for awhile then clean up, noticing now that Ponyboy didn’t eat much of his dinner at all. 

Ponyboy sits in his room, staring up at the ceiling. He decides to go to sleep then, stripping to his underwear and lays in bed, deciding to figure it all out eventually. His mind sings the little bouncy tune again. 

“Baby, baby, can’t you hear the pounding of my heartbeat? Cause you’re the one I love. You’re the one I love.”


End file.
